previously on Dumbgeons and Dragons.
Bombera, you notice that that item is now gone, and behind it, scrawled on the wall, is the Rat King calls.
Oh, bloody hells.
I'm sort of willing to try anything. I teach these Zumba classes in the morning, and this beard is so hot and sweaty, and I just, it's just too much for me.
You might want to donate that hair.
And that would be donated for...
Wigs! Wigs for underprivileged orphans.
Well, they're probably really scared about this, like, Rat King that apparently called you.
They stole it! They stole my Wand of Smiles.
We love banishing evil, it's like our whole thing, so I think we probably want to help.
Like, yeah, kind of, but, you know, not my whole thing.
I mean, we did it once. We did it at one time.
It's all of our favorite things.
You got any hot tips for us on where we can start looking for this, uh, Rat King?
There's, um, some, like, sewage, ducts, tunnels, what, whatever those are called.
Like an aqueduct? What are we talking about here?
Oh, I thought, like, a quack. Like a sewage duck. Like, like, like the god in the entrance of the Rat King's...
Well, you know what? It wouldn't surprise me if they were there.
Welcome to Dumbgeons and Dragons. We're a D&D 5th edition actual play podcast, and I'm your dungeon master, Russ Morn.
With me today is Tom Laird.
Hey, that's me. I play Moot.
He's a half-orc, wild magic sorcerer.
And Amy More.
Yeah, I'm so ready. I play Sullivan Sly, a lightfoot halfling rogue.
Suck it.
And Carla Maxted.
That's me. I play Glim, a dragonborn pAlydin.
And back with us today, from the broadswords, Victoria Rogers.
Hi, I am playing Bombera, the human sorcerer of indeterminate level and skill.
It's very secret. That's what we do here at Dumbgeons and Dragons, is we have secrets from you.
Did anyone feel like that, like, roll call was kind of like calling us out on a
basketball court, and there was like...
I like it. Pop pop music was playing.
Yeah.
And it was good because you didn't nail, you didn't like trip on your way out,
like you usually do.
That's right. Sometimes I trip.
Yeah. Yeah, so it goes.
Where we, where you can see if we trip or not, and then just edit it later, is over on Patreon,
Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast, where you also, when you're a patron, get an episode
dedicated to you, like today's patron, Robert Beck.
Robert Beck.
Thank you, Robert.
If you watch the videos of these, this gameplay, you'll see we basically always trip.
Spoiler alert.
Spoiler alert. Russ edits everything.
It just depends, you know, what kind of mood Russ is in, which trips he leaves in, so.
That's fair. Did Amy do it?
It's going to stay in there.
It's staying in that podcast.
It's staying in there.
Does Amy seem the most incompetent, but probably is very average?
Editing is magical. Editing is magical.
It is.
Yep. Fuck it. Let's play D&D.
Addie on the other side of the door.
We know what Dad swears.
She's awake.
Previously, you had met Bombera and determined that the Rat King.
Sucks.
Sucks. Anti-smiles, at the very least.
So you are headed on the way to find your way to the Rat King with Bombera.
On the way.
Okay, it really smells down here.
See, this, this is why I don't come down here.
See, which is gross.
This is the only reason you don't come down here?
No. Why would I? It stinks.
Fair enough. I just mean, like, I mean, if you look at the brickwork of these tunnels,
the architecture in this place, I mean, once I helped in,
it's a town you wouldn't know about it,
but I helped lay the brickwork for this beautiful, beautiful arch they had.
And like, I was a brickery and I just have to say this is top quality bricks.
I just looked up and saw both Victoria and Carla.
In his notebook.
Brickery?
I've had many jobs.
I've had many jobs in my life, but brickery was,
the brickery was probably the hottest one.
You know, because the bricks are so heavy and, and I'm so small.
Much heavier than the linen from the linenery.
Well, I don't know.
You mean you get a lot of those tablecloths stacked on top of each other.
That linen gets pretty heavy.
You've had so many jobs.
You're so young.
You're so industrious.
Thank you.
Not many people recognize that about me.
Everybody make a perception check.
I was like, when's Russ gonna stop me?
Is it about if brickery is a word?
Is three a good roll for perception check or am I too busy talking?
This might be my worst.
This is not good rolling.
This is a seven.
My God.
Can you do anything today?
Yeah, I got a 10, but my passive wisdom perception is 12.
We'll go with that.
Sure.
Glim and Sully are very in conversation right now.
Moot and Bombera, you hear what sounds like echoing quacks coming up.
Oh, great.
It's the guard ducks.
The duck thing was real?
Oh, boy.
What did we, what did we,
I feel like we might have bitten off more than we can chew here, Bombera.
It don't, we just gotta give them some dish soap.
We're good.
Trust me.
Did you bring some?
Is that something you carry around with you?
No.
Okay, where can we get some?
I mean, I have these and I reach into one of my many, many strapped on pockets and
I pull out a bunch of like wet naps.
Yeah, you wear that wet naps on you.
You round a corner and you see up ahead of you four normal size ducks
covered in sewage filth.
Oh my God, look at these quack quacks.
They turn and they see you coming up the way and one of them in its
in its feathered wing pulls a blade.
Oh yeah, what, what, what are you doing here?
What business you have been in these parts of the sewer there, yeah?
We mean you no harm.
We just want to hand out by me.
They mean us no harm.
We have these wet naps.
We could clean you guys up a little if you want.
I feel like you're being really offensive.
What do you mean clean this up?
What are we not clean enough for you?
You surface dwellers.
Well, we're down here like in the sewer kind of thing here.
We thought maybe you wanted to be cleaned up.
Sully's like,
Leroy, you get this.
They think we ain't clean enough for them.
Okay, I'm sorry.
There's Leroy Vinnie.
I'm sorry, there's Leroy Vinnie.
What's your name, Mr Knife Holder Duck?
Sasha.
Oh, hey Sasha.
Okay, so very nice to meet you all.
You can put your blade away.
I don't think we're going to have an altercation here because look,
and I didn't pull out my graystone and I want it to be a duck.
Okay, because my graystone can be anything I want it to be.
I have to roll for graystone?
No, you have to put it down.
You have to put it on the ground.
Oh, okay, I threw it.
You mean I can't ever hold it?
No, not going to have it be a thing.
Okay, so make a dexterity check because you're throwing it into a sewer.
Well, I'm dexterous as all get out.
So if I could find that number, it's a plus five.
Yes, yes, it is.
That's your saving card.
Yeah, 19.
Yeah, it flops down and then there's a really big duck, a really big unmoving duck.
Yeah.
They're like, whoa, what is that?
It's a giant duck.
Yeah, that's right.
It's a giant duck.
The one with the blade swings at it.
It's a magic duck.
Oh, I'm just saying.
It's not a real duck.
You're trying to relate to us ducks?
Well, just a little bit.
I'm just saying we really appreciate you guys.
Look at this giant duck I carry around.
I mean, it's a pretty cool duck.
What are you trying to accomplish with this duck?
What is the end game here?
You're asking if Silly has an end game?
That seems like the wrong question for us, Russ.
Yeah.
This doesn't seem like a question, yes, for Silly, but okay.
I think he's trying to relate to the ducks, maybe befriend the ducks.
I think he's a lover of all small animals.
Make out for moots, faux pas with the ducks.
Yeah.
Well, he called them dirty and offered to clean them.
After you realized you were fully cognizant.
So I'm just trying to build a bridge here because of my brickery background.
All right, we see your duck.
We raise you four ducks.
We raise you four ducks with blades.
You even told us why we're here.
Well, I don't know why you're here.
Why you're here.
Why I'm here?
What are you doing here in our sewers?
Well, I didn't know that you own the sewers.
This specific quadrant of the sewers is our sewers.
Oh.
I'm Gus, Benny, Leroy.
Well, hold on a second.
You said you were Sasha.
Look, I don't tell people my real name.
You were hoping I didn't remember it.
I mean, normally we don't remember anything.
So it's a fair bet.
I know, it's fair.
Well, okay, listen, maybe you could help us out a little bit here
because obviously you are so much more intelligent than us.
Obviously, I'll just get rid of it.
I'm trying to talk to him around the giant duck.
So I pick up my gray stone.
They put it back.
I'm like, I'm really sorry about that.
And I'm sorry about my friend here offering to clean you up.
That was weird.
It was weird.
You're going to have to leave those here with us.
So that we can't offend anybody else.
I completely understand.
Glim, why don't you give them the wet naps?
Of course, of course.
Contraband cleaners.
Back in the day, I was a cleaniner.
What's a cleaniner?
Cleaniner is, you know, someone that cleans.
A cleaner.
Yeah, that's what I said.
Anyway, so you are so much more smart than us, obviously,
because I said the words wrong and I was one.
So that says something.
And I was just wondering if that maybe you could help us
find the Rat King because we have a couple questions
about his new regime.
Oh, you're here to see the Rat King, are you?
Yeah, should I lead with that?
Well, I mean.
Would that have been better than the offer to clean you?
Let me talk about this, my tall friend.
Yes, that would have been better.
That would have been better than trying to come in
and impose your sense of cleanliness and sanitation upon us.
Sorry, that's my bad.
I had some faulty intel or I just understood it wrong.
I'm not exactly sure, but I take full responsibility for that.
OK, good.
So you're here to see the Rat King.
Well, the Rat King, you're not too far, not too far.
You got to keep going a little ways,
but you can't cut through these parts.
Why not?
Because these are these are duck parts.
What if we abide by all your duck rules while we're down here?
You're saying you never have visitors?
It sounds a little bit lonely.
OK, well, in order to make it past all the other guard ducks we have,
you're going to have to quack a little bit just so they know that you're cool.
Well, yeah, all right.
Can you give us a demo so that we have something to practice off of?
Yeah, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack.
And then all four of them begin going quack, quack, quack.
OK, stop, stop.
We're intelligent ducks.
We don't need to quack all the time.
Just just as a notification that you're coming around the corner.
Well, all right.
I think we can do that.
Well, I I know what I can do.
You know, if.
Hold on just a moment here.
And I I I move my hands around and I mutter some words and suddenly I'm a duck.
What?
Well, that's so much better than my rock that turns into a duck.
Quack.
I'm going to I'm going to need to ask Bombera to maybe show me that.
That's pretty cool.
That's freaking awesome.
This one's this one.
She's got it.
Quack.
Yeah, now I can't do that, but like I'm kind of small and I get down and I
I can bring them through.
Beautiful.
OK, so you've got to you've got an escort through duck territory now.
Yeah.
Oh, I just, you know, could you can you give us directions?
Yeah, yeah, you're going to take he gives you exact directions on how to get through.
It's going to take you a little while left.
No, no, it's the weirdest thing.
But he gives you directions on how to get through into what he presumes is
rat king territory and says just just around the corners.
Just quack.
Otherwise, you might get knifed.
Quack.
Roger that.
You I salute him with a little wing.
He salutes back.
She's got it.
I don't know if she's really a duck or if she's an actual person pretending to be a duck.
This is really just blowing my mind right now.
Duckception.
Ah, maybe.
Guys, what if she was a duck this whole time, pretending to be a person?
Well, I have an hour like this, so let's get going.
I think that is a duck.
Let's go.
You make your way past.
Make a perception check as you walk past them around the corner.
Well, that's a four.
I perceive nothing.
Nine.
Eleven.
Oh, all right.
Guys, we're super average.
Glim, you kind of look back as you round the first corner and you see them kind of
swarming around the wet naps that were that were left.
You make your way through duck territory,
quacking at the appropriate corners, walking past several other guard positions.
I salute all of them.
Salutes are returned.
They kind of give everybody else a look over, but see that you're with them and
know that, you know, they're allowed to be allowed to be in this section.
These guys are cool.
They got one duck with them.
Yeah, that's right.
All you need is one duck.
Moot's all like, I'm cool.
I have a duck friend and all the ducks are like, I hate you.
Still sorry about earlier.
Apologize.
You're never going to be cool with ducks again.
The word is going to spread like crows.
You can tell.
Yeah, they've already heard about.
Do these ducks have like headbands by any chance?
I'm imagining some ducks with some cool headbands.
Yeah, it's tough to see through all the sewage fills,
but there are there are yeah, there are bandanas and headbands of some sort.
Dang.
All right.
We've established a duck gang.
Yeah, this is taking a turn.
No, this is this was in your notes, right?
I was playing it from the beginning.
It was just a blank page that had two words that said duck gang.
Was it?
Roll with it.
Sexy goblin.
After about 30 minutes of walking through duck territory,
you make it to a what is like a clear divide.
It looks like it's it's I don't want to say darker because it's a sewer,
but like there's like vines starting to come down in certain areas.
Like it's not as well kept.
Like over time, the last few months, the cleaning crew hasn't been through here.
Hey, it's water deep.
They're very meticulous on cleaning.
Clearly shitty drugs.
Yeah, what was it?
Yeah.
Wow, we thought that the duck territory was unkempt.
Are you having a stroke over here?
Is everything OK?
I wouldn't have thought.
I guess I haven't spent a lot of time in sewers,
and my assumption is that they would have a relatively similar level of cleanliness,
but it's it's turned worse.
Markedly different here.
And then I give my little duck body a shake
and my little duck butt wiggles.
Oh, that cute little duck tail.
And then I shudder into human form.
Oh, OK.
You know, I really should have learned prestidigitation.
This is gross, but you really saved us.
Did you have any of those wet naps?
Oh, may I please have some?
Can I pull in more?
Always.
Always more wet naps in one of these pockets.
Thank you.
I begin cleaning myself with wet naps.
Can I roll?
Sorry.
I was just going to say,
Bombera, what was the name of that spell that you did to turn into a duck?
Is it like duck change?
Oh, no.
Well, that's a tricky spell.
It's taken me quite some time to master,
have to say, but some folk call it polymorph.
Polymorph.
And he writes that down in his notebook.
Below it, does he write more than one morph?
All the morphs?
How many morphs is poly?
Can I roll perception?
See if I see a rat with a tiny crown or anything.
Sure.
Just stand in there.
Oh, I don't.
You didn't even notice it.
I rolled a three.
So, nope.
You, as you continue walking down the pathway of the sewer,
you hear scurrying footsteps,
like little rat rodent feet kind of on the pavement,
on the brick work in kind of your peripheral.
You hear them kind of all around you as the further you get in.
Guys, this sounds creepy.
You hear that, right?
Yeah.
Yeah, this is gross.
Yeah, it's gross.
It's a very unsettling sound.
You know that feeling that you got in your gut
when you looked at my beard all in one solid chunk when it fell off?
Yeah, it was unsettling.
It's worse.
It's like 10 times worse than that.
So gross.
Can I roll perception to see if I see any scuttling?
Because I'm assuming like the walls are like vine covered.
It would probably be investigation over perception.
Let me investimigate.
Oh, good.
That's a plus one instead of a minus one.
Well, that's a six.
That plus one really paid off.
It really did.
Yeah, as you're all looking around,
I'd say you'd probably catch glimpses of like rodent tails
kind of going up and into the vines,
catching them running around corners.
Guys, they're so fast.
Did you know that a rat can fit through the size of a silver piece?
Really?
Is that true?
Yeah.
Keep your mouth closed, then.
That's just good advice.
That was a horrific advice thing.
Just put my hand over my mouth now.
Sully just doesn't talk for the rest of the time
and everyone feels better.
It's going to be great listening.
You begin to hear the sound of voices up ahead,
two distinct voices,
and sounds like they're saying like,
okay, okay, they're coming.
They're coming.
Just you just be quiet and then we'll jump out
and we'll just be like, you're here.
So we can hear this audibly.
Hey, we should've speed up their surprise.
I'll say, I sure hope no one jumps out at us
as we continue walking closer to them.
Because they don't know that we know that they're there.
So if we don't, let's keep it a secret.
Okay.
So we go forward, I guess,
and Moo says, boy, I sure hope no one jumps out at us
and surprises us.
Oh, boy, that'd be so scary.
You hope it's not rats.
You hear like, they're going to be so surprised.
We start walking like heavier, so we're louder.
Really making a lot more noise.
Sloshing through.
You make your way down and take a turn
where it naturally starts to bend.
And you hear from behind you
as you get down this pathway a little bit,
slightly heavier footsteps hit the brick behind you.
You turn around and you see a,
he's probably like a three foot tall rat humanoid creature.
And then you hear the foot,
another set of footsteps jump on the other side of you.
And there's another one.
And they're like, ha ha!
Oh, I'm so surprised.
Oh, my word.
I'm so surprised and frightened.
Hey, Squeeps, Squeeps, we got them.
We got them.
Hey, what are you doing here in Rat King territory?
Okay, let's just be real about this.
We got you surrounded.
Well, there's only two of you, but there's four of us.
But they are on either side of us.
Oh, that is true.
Is one of you the Rat King?
No, no, no, no.
I just thought that surprise was so good
that must have been thought up by the Rat King.
Had to be royalty, right?
Yeah, a natural leader came up with that surprise.
Look, the Rat King,
and I need to make sure there's no duck voices.
The Rat King, see, he got us all in charge of this section
leading into his royal courtroom.
So we have to vet people before they come in here.
Well, gosh, you guys must be really important
to be protecting the Rat King like this.
Very important.
Names tourniquet, that's Squeeps.
Squeeps is like, hey, don't tell him our name.
When you say courtroom, do you mean like a royal court
or an actual courtroom where he conducts trials?
Is it Judge Rat King?
No, it's King Rat Judge.
He's the King.
Third Judge King Rat.
How many auto params, how many titles does he have?
Is he a judge too?
I mean, right now he's just the Rat King.
We should talk to him about maybe adding a few more.
You think that would be better for like, you know,
how people see him?
Probably.
Well, I think the more titles the better.
Okay, so what are you doing here?
Well, naturally, we're here to talk to the Rat King
about increasing his number of titles
and thusly increasing the fear in the neighborhood of him.
Squeeps from behind is like, hey, she looks familiar.
I think we were at her place.
At my place, at my Zumba class?
Did I see you guys there?
I remember a couple of very fit rats,
like really kind of working it with the moves.
Oh, that was Hans and Franz.
Yeah, there are muscle.
Yeah.
Yeah, they were very strong looking.
Very strong.
They said they were going somewhere the other morning
and maybe that's where they were.
They came back all just jazzed on life.
I don't understand.
You guys should come one morning.
I do it every morning just outside the Bahamut Temple.
Have you heard of Bahamut?
The Bahamut Temple, you say?
Yeah, it's really an amazing place.
Just like the best, nicest people.
Do you guys know about Bahamut?
No, no, tell us about Bahamut.
Well, 47 minutes later.
I feel like we've lost the,
I feel like we've lost the whole point of this here thing.
You've been talking for quite a while
and Squeeps here fell asleep.
Oh, Squeeps asleep?
Well, you know, there's no need.
Just hearing about Bahamut makes you so,
you feel so safe that you're free
to just drift off to slumberland.
Yeah, it's just a very calm, warm place to be.
But anyway, we're here to talk to the Rat King
about his titles and his lineage and his legacy.
Yeah, as your king and protection
from all that oppose him.
I get it, I get it.
He gets it.
All right.
He gets it.
So you want to go see the Rat King, is what you're saying?
Oh, yes, it works.
Hey, Squeeps, wake up.
Just lead him in there.
Unless you say otherwise, you follow behind Squeeps
and Turner Kitts chatting you off.
So how did you like the little note that we left you?
Was that real intimidating?
Oh, yeah, you know what, I shook.
Great.
That was my idea.
Oh, that was yours.
Your idea.
Oh, yeah.
Well, you need to leave a calling card of sorts, right?
When you're trying to get people's attention.
Oh, okay.
Well, you have my attention.
Undivided attention.
Perfect.
This is going to go over so well once we see the Rat King.
Yes, for sure.
You walk into a larger open area where sewage is pouring down into this and going out.
And in the center, there's a kind of a bridge and a platform
that go over top of this central sewage area.
This is fancy AF, right?
Right?
Real, real.
There's a large, what looks like, I mean, it's a chair,
but it looks like it's been adorned to be kind of a throne of sorts.
Oh, God, is it a toilet?
Yep.
This used to be a throne, I was like, that's a toilet.
And it's a large toilet, though.
It looks like maybe it's a giant size toilet.
Okay.
And you are walked up this bridge and you stand in front of it.
And Tourniquet says, all right, we got to just go get the king.
And we'll be right back.
You just kind of wait here, okay?
Yeah, for sure.
Squeak, you stay here just in case they try any funny business.
Okay.
Tourniquet jumps up and into the toilet.
And you hear some banging as it kind of falls down some pipes.
If they're in, I have a question.
If they're in the sewer, where does that flush to?
I'm curious.
It's a good question.
Is there sub-sewers?
Is, like, there water in the toilet?
No.
Or it's just a tunnel.
Okay.
After a few moments, Tourniquet comes back up.
He says, all right, do you have any questions before you're presented before royalty?
Do I look okay?
I mean, yeah, you look fine.
What does the Rat King prefer to be called?
The Rat King.
Okay, perfect.
So not like your warship or anything like that.
He just prefers Rat King.
Your honor, your regalness.
Yeah, no, we just generally call him the Rat King.
I think you guys could probably step it up a notch.
There are so many other adjectives out there.
Oh, what would you suggest?
Oh, your highness, your royalty, your magnanimousnessness.
Your beneficence.
Okay, yeah, all right.
He hops out and gives a knock on the side of the toilet.
Is that the signal?
And you hear slow meandering, scurrying through the tunnel system that goes through and up into this toilet.
And rising up from the throne, Tourniquet begins to speak.
He's like, is High, High, Royal, Royal Hiney.
Go on, you're doing great.
The rat you've all been waiting for.
The one to rule them all.
His kingship, lordly.
The Rat King.
Welcome to the middle.
It's fun.
It had like a real shallow vibe for me.
Oh, did it?
Is that shallow?
Is that the one?
Yeah, the Lady Gaga Bradley Cooper one.
Right, didn't see it.
Maybe I'm just that good.
I think you're just on par with Gaga.
I'm just Gaga Bradley Cooper good.
That's what they say.
That's what we always say about you.
That is my rating system.
Russ More ranks on the Bradley Cooper Lady Gaga scale.
No.
Where you can listen to some bonus episodes that sometimes feature Russ singing because
he plays a bard is on Patreon.
That's right, Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast.
Where I sing all of the songs for the first season,
second season and do a little bit in third season.
I feel like it's going to it's going to skyrocket here.
Coming down the pipeline.
Yeah, I feel like there's going to be an incurring incident.
That's like, I need to get back in the game.
I switched to an acting game.
Now I need to get back in the singing game.
Yeah, yeah, a lot of talk about playwriting,
but we're going to get back to that singing I think pretty soon.
So you can you can hear all those episodes just for being a patron at the $2 level.
We have a ton of other really cool stuff like monthly Google
monthly live stream hangouts where you can come hang out with the four of us.
And we chat with you.
You tell us how how things are going.
And then we talk about it.
That's a really good cell, isn't it?
It is pretty good.
Yep.
It's really the peak peak cell cell.
And I mean, those can be those can be anything from Q and A's to just
general joshing around and bullshitting.
Majority of the latter.
But yeah, mostly that one.
But sometimes people ask questions.
You know us.
You know how we roll.
We also have some rather really cool stuff, including a tier called the goods
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That's what I meant to say.
Oh, what kind of swag, Russ?
New swag.
Anything and everything?
Anything and everything.
Probably because you're helping us design new designs
or come up with the new designs that we want to do and then execute them.
You probably get those designs.
Probably get those new designs first before anybody else.
So go check that out.
Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast.
We want to see you over there.
We would love to have you over there.
A whole bunch of really cool stuff.
Hopefully there's a place for you.
Now it's episode time.
Can't touch this.
Okay, bye.
Bye.
Rashomon, a land where spirits roam and witches rule.
Three women are embroiled in a divine plot and it is up to them to uncover why.
Join the adventures of the broadswords at the broadswords.com.
That was wonderful.
You did a great job.
That was really good.
Squeeps begins clapping just very fast.
And rising up with a cut up tin can.
This is exactly what I was imagining in my brain.
Only it was a Coca-Cola can.
But I know that doesn't exist in this world.
Dressed in soiled, what looked like they were at one point,
very nice clothes, but they are soiled and tattered.
The Rat King rises out and he as well is probably three or four feet tall.
And he stands before you and he says,
You have come to
bask before the Royal King, have you?
Have you?
Yep.
Oh, yes.
Yeah. Yep.
Yep. Your kingship.
Yep.
Yes.
Absolutely.
So that is wonderful.
Yeah. Yeah.
Sweeps?
Squeeps?
Yeah. Squeeps.
Yes. Squeeps was telling us you were trying to get my attention.
And we did because you showed up.
Yeah.
Good job, Dernican Squeeps.
You've earned your snack for today.
And he reaches into a pocket and he throws them each a little like cracker,
half-eaten cracker.
Is it an animal cracker?
Yes.
You two go wait down there.
I will deal with these royals, these subjects.
They scurry back down either side of the bridge.
So they're standing down on the bottom of the bridge at either side.
Now, my vision for the Dock Ward,
and many people have already come to tell me that this will work,
is that I will be the ruler of the Dock Ward.
And you will, as an owner of a fine establishment,
sorry for Dernican Squeeps.
They like to mess things up.
I will protect you from all that oppose the Rat King.
Sorry, I have a question.
Sorry.
My hearing isn't too good.
You're way up there.
We're way down here.
Sorry.
Are you going to be the ruler of the Dock Lord or the Dark Ward?
The Dock Ward is the area that you're in.
The Dock Ward.
I think he's saying the Dock Ward.
It's probably the one.
The Dock Ward?
Oh, you're going to have to talk to them if it's the Dock Ward.
No, because they're feisty.
Yeah, the Dock Ward, we're working on them.
They're a harder sell.
Harder sell.
So all you need to do is just we'll just come collect payment
and we'll just protect you.
From what?
From all the other people who want to take over the Dock Ward.
Has this been an ongoing problem, Bonbera?
Is this something that you've needed help with?
Generally, the City Watch are good.
Except when there's fires and festivities.
But generally, they're on top of things.
Have you?
There are lurking evils in the sewers that we have already started to protect you from.
So you're doing your job for free?
Nope, not anymore.
Okay.
Thus the calling card.
So you took something that belongs to me.
That was how we got your attention.
Yes, I would like it back, please.
Um, see, I think they picked it because they were tired of people smiling.
Why would you be tired of people smiling?
We are not a smiley group.
Well, that's a shame.
That's, that's a darn shame.
See this scowl that adorns our face?
How?
Racking, have you tried smiling?
I tried it once.
I feel like if you, if you maybe-
It hurt.
Tried it again, maybe you'd see that it's, it's a lot nicer when you smile.
Well, I hear it's a lot harder on your face to frown than it is to smile.
I've heard that too.
When your face has been frowning for so long as ours has,
the muscles are just locked in that position.
Yeah, but I hear you're never fully dressed without a smile.
Look at me.
I have magnificent robes.
I am fully dressed at right now.
Well, smile and the world smiles with you.
I could go on forever.
She's got a lot of these.
Make a persuasion check.
Hey, it is, I got a plus four on persuasion.
Fuck yeah, bud.
22.
He scowls at you and looks down at you
and you see his, his sharp pointed, almost rotted teeth begin to show in like a grimace.
Like he tries to pull his lips back into what looks like he's trying to smile.
He's like, like this.
You're off.
You're almost there.
You're so close.
You have a beautiful smile.
It really does.
Do you feel better?
It looks very regal.
You look like a leader, a ruler.
That Doc Lord's got nothing on you.
Doc Lord?
Well, you said you're going to be the ruler of the Doc Lord.
No, Doc, Doc Ward.
Ward.
Oh, see, I think the problem is, is that we've only adopted the Doc.
You were born in it.
You got my backstory.
Yeah, I will.
I will be sure to give tourniquet and squeeps another cracker for making sure that all of
all everybody knows all about the Rat King.
Those new names that they gave for me though.
So this hurts.
I don't see.
Doesn't it also feel good?
Exercise like in your heart.
Yeah, when you haven't used something in a long time and then you start to and you
can kind of feel it loosen up.
Just got to do some reps.
I can put together a whole routine for you if you want.
Really get those facial muscles kind of like loose and relaxed and strong.
Glenn, make a persuasion check as well.
OK, I sure will.
I mean, PAlydins are like persuasive as fuck, I'm pretty sure.
Yeah, it's 24.
You could do that for me.
Of course.
It's like I love fitness.
I mean, I love Bahamut number one.
Number one, Bahamut.
Number two, my friends.
Number three, fitness.
So I'm so happy.
Actually, here, hold on.
And I like maybe could I just borrow your notepad for one second?
I can put I can throw some together real quick for you.
And I write down like, you know, 20 times smile frowns.
And then it's a bunch of reps of different exercises
and like pushing up your cheeks and pulling down your cheeks.
He's following behind you on everything at this moment.
And so if you just do that every day,
honestly, like you'll start to see improvement
after just a couple of days and do this for a month.
And you are going to be a champion smiler.
You know, I start to feel something
when I do these these these exercises.
He's still it's a it's a very it's a disgusting smile.
But I start to feel warm on the inside.
It's nice, right?
I guess.
Is this a good way to be?
Is this what people above the sewers feel?
I mean, the lucky ones.
Yeah, it's like having the sun shining on the inside.
You hear from down at the bottom of the bridge's tourniquet.
Yell up.
He's like, your lordship, are you OK up there?
I think I am.
How does it look?
And you look down and you see that very shocked face on on tourniquet.
And he's like, it looks great.
Yeah, I think it looks wonderful.
It looks great.
It looks so great.
You guys should try this too.
Squeeps tourniquet.
You should try this.
Get in here, you guys.
Both of them try the same thing.
They're like, yeah, yeah, like this.
This is this is what the king wants.
I think every king wants happy subjects, right?
It means he's doing his job really well.
Right.
OK, great.
And the king turns and looks at you and says,
well, I'm going to stop for a minute just because the muscles haven't happened.
Yeah, rest is just as important as reps.
You got to you got to take you got to take a break sometimes, too.
Yeah, go slow.
You don't hurt yourself.
There's nothing like pulling a mouth muscle.
Well, I feel like this has changed my entire outlook.
My whole reason for being.
Well, you're going to give our friend her smile wand back.
Oh, right.
It might make you smile on the inside.
Yeah, you know, yeah.
So sometimes when you you give something to someone, you know, it makes you feel good.
And it brings this smile.
Yes.
Just try and stop it.
Yeah.
My God, I think we're really learning something important today, you guys.
This is our like very special episode.
It is.
He calls out in a series of high pitched squeaks and you hear.
I don't want to say rumbling, but you hear like a low rumble coming from some of the pipes.
Oh, God, it's a thunder down under.
What?
No, it's the rats.
Oh, yeah, I knew that.
Not Australian strippers.
I saw that show.
No, I think I did too when I was like 19.
Rat swarms of rats begin pouring out of the pipes and on the backs of one of the
swarms, you see your wand of smiles.
What does it look like?
It.
You know, it's funnily enough, it doesn't look like the most friendly.
Actually, it's kind of spindly looking and twisted and the handle is that of like it
looks like a carved spider.
This wand kind of rises and rolls along the back of all of these rats as they come
and crowd in front of you and lift up the wand to about hand height in front of you.
And he says, we're going to try this out.
And if it doesn't make me smile, my rats might eat you.
These are smaller rats?
These are regular size rats.
Is he controlling these rats the same way Antman controls ants?
You don't know.
OK, well, you know, just hand it over and everyone and I look at the party and
like put this giant smile on my face.
We're all smiling right now.
We're just smiling so big.
I realize the audio podcast not helpful that we're all smiling.
Big smiles, big smiles.
Everybody roll a persuasion check as the handoff happens here.
Well, that's 14.
Dirty 20.
Oh, OK.
Oh, I like that guy because mine was only.
Apparently I have a plus five for persuasion, so that's a 21.
I also have a plus five, but mine's still an eight.
Carla, give me back my dice rolls.
Bombera, you reach out to grab the wand and you're looking at the face of
the Rat King and he's watching all four of you very intently and he looks down to
tourniquet and squeeps and both of them still have the pain smile on their face as well.
And you see his lips begin to crack again and he too begins to that same ugly smile as he's
like, it feels so good to just be nice.
And you know what?
People end up being nice to you when you're nice to them.
So if I go try this on the ducks, they might let me have some of their territory.
It's worth a shot.
Those ducks are fucking, I mean, yes.
All right.
I'm going to try this smile business and see about expanding our reach and maybe
creating friendships at the same time.
Yes, that is a worthwhile and commendable goal.
Truly something a king would do.
That's how you remain kingly.
Happy subjects.
I suggest having a vision statement.
A vision statement.
Oh, yeah.
You know what?
What's a vision statement?
If you come to the offices of the Ducks Eye Business Association,
they can help you put together that vision statement.
Really?
Yeah.
And you know what?
If you want to extend your reach, they can help you with your business venture as well.
Oh, I had no idea that these resources were available to someone such as I.
They are for everyone in the dock ward.
And is there any sort of membership fee?
Um, you know what?
I, you know, I'm on the board so I can sponsor you.
Wow.
Yeah.
It's just-
Tell about the people you know.
If I go out on a limb and sponsor you though, I just, you know, just don't,
don't let me down, you know?
Smile.
With a smile like that, he can let anyone down.
Always smile.
I won't let you down.
Fabulous.
Um, why don't we set up a meeting for tomorrow at 11 and then we can go have lunch.
Oh, okay.
Do you guys got that?
Turn it, get, squeak.
Do we know what time is?
We'll figure it out.
Okay.
Great.
Well, I'll see you at 11.
I can't wait.
This is going to be so good for rolling out my kingdom to the entire dock ward.
I'm going to drop my smile again.
All right.
Yeah, take it easy.
Can't do it all at once.
There's a lot.
I'm going to have to have a royal nap here in a little bit.
I'm going to start calling all my naps royal naps.
Royal naps for sure.
All right.
Well, this wasn't the way I expected today to go.
But you know what?
I feel like the rat king turned over a new leaf today.
We're building bridges and it's beautiful.
It's like these water features you have here.
It's gorgeous.
It is.
This is why I picked this location because it all just kind of comes down here.
Central.
You can get everywhere from here.
You got to be, you got to be available is what you got to be
when you're a king like me.
That's true.
We came in here, you saw us right away.
I think that's really important.
You're very accessible.
I had a welcoming party.
Yeah, they could be a little more welcoming.
Well, until today, smiling was not part of our purview.
I feel like going forward, they're really going to excel in their role.
I think so because they were very chatty too.
Very personable.
Interesting.
You did a good job choosing those guys.
Great.
Good job, sweets and tourniquet.
All right, well they will lead you out.
I am going to go find a reflection and see what this looks like.
This smile business.
Well, it looks great.
You're going to be happy with what you see.
All right.
I know I am.
As you're talking to him, he's lowering himself slowly back down into the toilet.
I will see you tomorrow at 11.
11 o'clock.
11, 11.
And then scurrying back down the toilet.
And all of the swarms of rats scurry back up and into the pipes.
And squeeps and tourniquets lead you back out to where they met you
at the border of rat territory and duck territory.
And I turn myself into a duck.
And I roll around in the sewage again because I got a bit in.
I'm going to be a dirty duck.
Yep.
And I quacked at all the corners.
I tell squeeps and tourniquet, I hope I see you guys at Zumba tomorrow.
Every morning.
We're going to look into it and maybe make some time.
We have this 11 o'clock tomorrow, but maybe the day after.
Okay.
I'll see you there.
It's going to be real fun.
We're going to come with Hans and Franz.
They know where it is, right?
They know where it is and they're great.
You can just shadow them because they're experts.
Perfect.
Well, thank you.
Thank you.
Yeah, thanks for coming.
It's going to be an interesting transition period here, I think.
Yeah, it's a whole new world for you guys.
You know, just take it slow.
Roll with the punches.
Great.
Try not to punch anybody.
Right.
Yeah.
No, that's probably a good idea.
That's probably a good idea.
Okay.
Well, we'll see you guys soon then.
All right.
And you make your way back through duck territory,
quacking at all the appropriate times.
You make your way back to where you originally met the first ducks
and they look markedly cleaner than when you had entered.
Oh, thank you so much for the tips and we'll be on our way.
Great.
Yeah, yeah.
These guys all kind of have the same voice now.
Quack, quack.
Are you saying all ducks sound the same?
No, they had the same voice as the rats.
Fair enough.
Quack, quack.
All sewer folk.
All sewer folk kind of sound the same.
Dialect is a little bit the same.
Yeah, it's all in the same neighborhood.
Yeah, you got it.
It's their Brooklyn.
So you made your way to the Rat King.
You're good.
All right.
Well, we'll bid you adieu, my duck friend.
Duck friend in a salute, a feathered salute.
Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack.
You make your way back out of the sewer
and you're back in the streets of the dock ward in Waterdeep.
Well, give everybody some hand sanitizer.
That did not go the way I was expecting it to go.
No, it turned out it was, you know,
he wasn't an evil being at all.
Just a little bit misconnected.
Yeah, you know, I think that the Rat King
would be a real asset to the Dockside Business Association.
For sure.
He's got a mission.
It's very hard working.
It's got grand plans.
Well, now look, you got your smile wand back.
Me too.
Who wants a smile?
I love one.
I raise my hand.
And I cast it on each of you.
It has three charges.
Perfect.
It looks so threatening the way you're fake holding your wand.
Yeah.
What's going to happen?
And you are now forced to smile for one minute.
Oh, this is really interesting.
Yeah.
Feels good.
It feels natural.
You make your way back to Bobbles and Such and settle up your reward.
Yes.
Oh, yeah.
Yes.
That is, you know what?
You'll have to go over to the Dockside Business Association office.
That is just two streets over and three rights.
And oh, back by Bottles and Such.
Yeah, exactly.
And you'll be able to pick up your reward, Bear.
Well, it was so great to meet you, Bob Bear.
We love this shop.
I mean, thank you again.
You're welcome.
My life's just going to be so much easier without this beard on.
You're welcome.
And you know what?
Those underprivileged orphans who are in need of wigs will thank you.
You go collect your reward.
And just roll me a perception.
Okay.
13.
There were a few things in Bobbles and Such that caught your eye,
that now that you have a large sum of money, you might want to go purchase.
Okay, so I'm not going to be eating my money anymore.
Well, maybe not all of it.
Still eat some of your money.
Oh, sure, yeah.
Oh, welcome back.
And at this point, I think Theobald has returned from dropping off the beard
and is now scrubbing the wall.
I see you put them right to work.
Did you talk to them about not leaving calling cards anymore?
Oh, yes, yes.
You know what?
Just, you know, actually getting cards printed for them, I think.
That's a great idea.
Yeah, I saw a few things in here, Bombera.
I was wondering if you could tell me kind of what they are because they caught my eye.
Oh, well, yeah, sure.
What caught your eye?
Well, there's that dagger over there with like the jade handle.
So I saw that one.
Oh, I see a link here from Victoria.
Maybe I'll go there.
That might be a better idea.
All right.
And we're working with a little bit of a gold constraint,
so I can't just go hog wild.
Hey, Russ.
I mean, it's up to Bombera as to what the actual price is.
Right, she might give you the friends and family discount.
There's some pretty broken stuff in here for level one characters.
So I'm going to say that, yeah, there's probably a bit of a constraint on
as to if it's a 12,000 gold piece item,
you're probably not going to be allowed to get it.
Well, you can sort by price.
Yeah, that mace for 48,000 gold pieces.
Yeah, probably not on the table.
Can you put it on land?
I was eyeballing this cloak of the bat.
Oh, yes, yes, this.
And she takes it off the rack.
This is a fine woven silk and put it on me.
And step into the shadows of your store.
And then I suddenly am a bat.
Well, only in the shadows.
And then I start flitting around the shop.
That is awesome.
Is that like that spell you you did earlier to turn into the duck?
Is that like the same thing?
And then I suddenly appear again in human form and take off the cloak.
Yes, but it is like that spell I can turn into pretty much anything.
This this.
Oh, so it's not just ducks.
No, it's not duck specific, but this one is bat specific.
Oh, OK.
So oh, so the only one you can do with this is yes.
But that's pretty cool.
Oh, yeah.
Well, do you think do I have enough gold to afford that?
How much do you have?
Well, I mean, we got the reward money and then I had some put away for some more
turnovers and the and the chocolate croissant that you recommended.
But I can dip into that fund a little bit.
Hmm, yes.
Well, you know, this is a one of a kind item.
I mean, yeah, I've never seen anything like that before in my life.
That's because this is the only one.
Wow.
Yeah. So the price tag is a little bit more than what you've got there.
But, you know, how long are you in town for?
I mean, we've only been here a week, but it's pretty nice place.
So maybe a little while.
You know, I could use some help around the store.
I mean, you could maybe work for for some of the cost.
Sure. Yeah, that sounds great to me.
I'll bring I'll bring those croissants for my first day.
That sounds great.
Great. That's awesome.
OK, well, give me what you got.
I just handed all over the cash.
Oh, great. Thank you.
And I put that in the till.
Yeah. And if you want to come here every day for eight a.m.
And we will go from there.
Perfect. Sounds great.
Fantastic.
Moot's got himself a part time job.
Got a part time job.
And a cool dress.
Well, I mean, like Glim's doing her Zumba classes every morning.
So yeah, I should go contribute, right?
Well, yeah, for sure.
That's really nice of you.
Well, you know, I need a new roof.
It's time.
Practical, too.
Is anybody else looking to purchase anything?
No.
I'd like to buy the oil of etherealness.
Oh, yes. Now, this is a special, special elixir.
And I hold of this little vial, really, of oil.
This can take you to the borders of the ethereal plane.
That sounds like just the kind of place I would want to go.
This is just a single use, right?
A single use.
Yes, this is single use.
It's good for a fair amount of time.
You know, like, a long sleep worth of time.
Yeah, but it is single use, yes.
OK, well, I think I have enough money to buy it.
If maybe you wouldn't mind cutting me a little bit of a deal.
What do you think?
Well, Moop might need some help putting that those those shingles up.
And, you know, a big strong person like you working in the store.
I didn't know I'd be doing the roof.
She said she needed a new roof.
That's true. She did.
I just didn't know why I didn't make that connection.
Wait, do you think a brick, a brickery would help out with that as well?
Is that like a transferable skill?
No, I think a shingler and a brickery are just two very different vocations.
Yeah, I don't think my roof needs bricks.
Yeah, probably too heavy.
Well, is it OK?
I know he's going to come at eight.
I do my Zumba class.
Can I come over after that?
Yeah, you know, it could.
Could I take the Zumba class for Zumba?
Class is open to anybody.
You come whenever you want.
Fantastic.
I will show up for Zumba then.
Sally notices just how nice and accommodating Bombardy is being.
And out from his cloak, he produces a, what is it?
It is the scroll of vitriolic sphere.
And it's like and puts it out on the table
and then puts down 480 gold pieces.
And is like, I would like to purchase this, please.
Hmm.
Well, we're close enough.
Thank you.
Just some straight commerce for Sally.
Seems out of character, but as we mentioned, who knows what else he stole.
Yeah, pay for something.
Pretty sure that none of you have any money anymore.
No, I'm pretty sure it's all gone.
Some of you have part-time jobs now.
And just a short period part-time job while we throw that roof up there.
That's right.
Me and Moot are both strapping, so it should be.
I got that little crab claw that will help me out for the hard-to-reach places.
For sure.
When we need to bring more shingles up to the roof,
we don't have to go back up and down.
You can just mage hand those up to the top of the roof.
Well, we fade out on Moot and Glim doing some of that work,
hammering those shingles in real well,
as the sun is now setting over the dock ward in Waterdeep.
The song Long Road Ahead is by Kavin McLeod of incompetech.filmmusic.io.
Our supporting producers are Gabriel Lynch, Ryan Cushman, Joshua Dixon,
Devin Michaels, Cat Waterflame, and Jacob Madden.
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